Thank you, Sam, for giving me the opportunity to be a successful, wealthy rapper for one night

I would quite honestly love to be able to explain to you what was happening here, but with gas-guzzling stretch hummer access for the night, playing it safe in the zone of sobriety wasn’t exactly at the top of my list of ways to spend my Tuesday night.

Sam Boyer finally became a man when he turned 21 years old this Tuesday, and he had the older sister-purchased limousine for all his friends to prove it. The poor driver, Tim.. or Jim.. I’m not sure anymore, picked up about sixteen drunkards and shipped us off to the blackout abyss that was Capitol Hill. And afterward, dumped everyone off in all their helpless drunkenness off outside of Earl’s, which supposedly was just shot up last weekend, and took off.

Sam, I want you to know that I have the last 1/3 your triple threat whiskey gift. I salvaged it from the wreckage. (It was in the limo cooler).